I guess you guys will have no problem surviving in a fallout shelter during a nuclear holicaust. Make sure that you have duct tape around, and you will be square.
Yeah, what is that stunt all about? I haven’t been watching the news or anything for the past few days, so I am out of the loop with that family in an SUV story. Best case scenario, when 20/20 comes to film your story, you can give a tour to the last liveable room saying that your family lived and ate there for weeks while the construction kicked into high gear. That will surely endear you to the public.
Oh, no. did the exterminator really come right after you aborted a black fetus? yuck….the poor man. All he wants to do is get rid of messes and not step into them. Now that they have found Saddam, he is going to rat you out that he has been hiding his weapons of mass destruction up your bumhole.

“Olson, Charles” wrote:
> Ah, school. Something I will never ever do again.
>
> It has been a bit tight lately. Last night we all ate in the room
> upstairs. All we need is a bathroom in it and would could stay in
> there forever. Probably not as bad as the family living in a Nissan
> SUV on 43rd and 7th Ave as a publicity stunt. At least though they
> can drive it around.
>
> It was probably also a good thing you weren’t around today. I
> rendered the toilet in the basement bathroom useless today. What came
> out of me was thicker than my forearm. I don’t know how it was
> possible, but I swear it was that thick. I even started flushing the
> toilet while it was being born, but the thing was so tremendous that I
> doubt if the toilet had the pressure of a raging fire hose that it
> would have made any difference.
>
> To top matters off, the exterminator came by and headed straight for
> the basement before I had a chance to call roto-rooter (The
> professionals were required for this one). He remarked that the
> lingering smell was more than enough to eliminate any unwanted pest
> that may crawl between walls. He was so impressed that he not only
> offered me a job, but he offered me partnership in the business if I
> would join him and use my fecal powers for pest elimination pest in
> some of the cities buildings with out of control rodent problems.
>

I ‘ve got my sleeping bag hidden away in the closet. The leaves sound very organic though. Perhaps I can distract from the smell of your gas.

“, C” wrote:
> No, no production. Feel free to come over. Let me know. If I can’t
> find another blanket for you, I’ll go to the backyard and grab a
> bundle of leaves for you. I understand a large enough pile can keep
> you warm, plus they probably smell nice.
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Kirsten [mailto:Kirsten.]
> Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2003 3:08 PM
> To: C
> Subject: Re: Idea for a new business
>
> wow, that would be a nice money maker. Now, how would that person be
> able to maintain their attention? It would have to be tailored
> specifically to client’s needs. VC backing…well, perhaps I
> can help you out with that. I have been sleeping with this new Ibanker who
> would gladly back an
> endeavor that I put on the table.
>
> I have to admit that lifeguard story takes the cake….and the $21.
> I mean, how ridiculous. I think that if he ever asks again, you
> should report him to his boss. That is not professional. Perhaps he
> is a crackhead. You could end up on one of those adverts that shows your
> picture and a caption saying
> “I buy crack regularly”
> Granted it is the Y, but you should not feel like you should have to do
> that.
>
> As for tonight…I was planning on staying these next two nights. But
> if it is going to be a production, you guys certainly don’t need that
> at the moment.
>
> “C” wrote:
>
> > I just had an idea for a new business. In short it is like this…
> >
> > Say you have to call someone (either to return their call or for
> > whatever
> > reason) and you really don’t want to speak to them and just hope to get
> > their voicemail. Well, this business would be a service that you could call
> > to get someone who is an expert in getting someone on the phone and
>> keeping them on it for a long period of time. Then when you get the green
> > light that the person is engaged in a telephone call, you can call
> > with the assurance that you would go into the person’s voice mail.
> >
> > Enhanced services could be for when the person has a cell phone,
> > office phone, etc. You would pay extra to have this company tie up
> > all of the person’s lines so that you would get voice mail, no
> > matter which number
> you
> > tried. This way it can appear that you desperately tried to reach
> > this person by leaving Voice mail on all of their numbers.
> >
> > As you work at Morgan Stanley, I am leaving it up to you to get
> > venture funding capital for this business. I am sure you have
> > plenty of inside connections by now. If not, then you have just not
> > been sleeping with enough of the bigwigs. But since you haven’t
> > been back to Brooklyn lately, perhaps this is just what you are doing…in that case GOOD JOB!
> >
> > Tell them we only require initial capitalization of 500,000 to
> > 1,000,000 for what I am sure will be a many times return on investment. I’ll
> > expect the check shortly. You are of course 50-50 partners with me,
> > even though I have done the hard part in conceiving the idea in the first place.

Well, you were there. I merely attempted objectivity in my answer. You have clarified, and therefore, preggers deserves to never have a seat postpartum again. Her husband shall be cursed to a lifetime of corns.

“C” wrote:
> How can preggers not have seen me especially when I was standing next
> to her comfortably unloaded feet? More importantly how could she have
> forgotten my compassionate seat giving when it occurred only two stops
> previous – a total of no more than 10 minutes? I attribute it more to
> selfishness than to forgetfulness or oversight.
>
> —–Original Message—–
> From: Kirsten [mailto:Kirsten@.com]
> Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2003 12:39 PM
> To: C
> Subject: Re: NY life.
>
> Dear Discombobulated Decorum:
>
> This is a tough situation where the rules of etiquette fall into the
> gray area. Since you did eschew the comfort of a subway seat for the
> pregnant woman, she should recognize that and not invite her own
> guests to sit down. It would be as if you invited an aquaintance to dinner
> and they brought 30 of
> their closest friends and you missed out on the grub that you prepared. You
> should always be gracious
> in accepting the generosity of strangers. Therefore, unless her husband
> suffered from sympathy
> pregnancy, he was not entitled to a seat.
>
> This verdict however, still lies in the gray area. Perhaps she did
> not see you leaning in for the sit down. If her movements were
> calculated and all for the procurement of a seat for her compassionate
> counterpart, then she should have been made to stand and risk the health of
> her unborn child. Shame
> on her greedy husband. This couple most likely and knowingly knocked over a
> blind man on the way to
> the train. Preggers partners in crime, these two owe their bunyonfree feet
> to the kindness of
> strangers. If preggers did not see you, then you need to stop being so
> sensitive.
>
> “C” wrote:
>
> > Here is the scenario… A seat on the subway becomes available that
> > is closest to the door. I go to sit just as a pregnant woman walks
> > on the train, so I get back up to let her sit. A couple of stops
> > later, the seat next to her opens up. I was going to take it when
> > she suddenly slides
> over
> > to let her husband sit down in her seat. Is this rude or what?
> >
> > So now while I am annoyed and still standing, I happen to notice the
> > BP
> (the
> > gas/energy company) ads plastered along the top of the subway car.
> > One of the BP ads stated that they were the largest producers of
> > Natural Gas. I think I can debate them on that point.

August 17th, 2003

Coming off the high of a good performance at this year’s NYC Triathlon (aka Duathlon) I was looking forward to the Sprint Distance West Point Triathlon the next weekend and testing my metal against the Army’s fittest. I finally talked my wife into waking up very early and getting the children (ages 3 and 6) ready to go see me race. My young son was begging to go to a race with me and I was looking forward to crossing the finish line with him holding my hand.

The day started off well enough. We got to the race in plenty of time and my 3-year-old son joined me in getting body marked. He was quite proud to be walking around with the same race numbers written all over his body.

The race was a wave start with a dry start for the swim leg. I managed to get in the water briefly to prepare my body for the shock of the water and then lined up in the front of my wave. The horn then sounded and off we went. Things went sour from this point forward.
Barely twenty yards into the swim, I received a sturdy kick to the face. This ordinarily would not have been a problem except that the kick dislodged the right seal to my goggles causing water to start trickling into my right eye. I tried to swim with my right eye closed, but it was very uncomfortable. I couldn’t sight without my right eye open and it felt as though the water was getting into my nasal passages through my eye every time I turned to breathe. I was forced to stop and try to fix the goggle.

Unfortunately for me, I am almost blind without my glasses. My goggles are prescription and I wear them from the start of the swim, right up until I get back to my bike. I was out of breath, treading water, blind and getting trampled by everyone who started behind me. I somehow made it back to a shore where I could stand and gather my wits.

Several minutes went by and I still could not fix my goggles. At this point, another athlete swam over to me and offered to let me use his goggles. I guess the swim was too much for him and he decided to drop out of the race. I thanked him, shook hands, made note of his number and set off again, albeit in the wrong direction.

I discovered my mistake as the spectators on shore started to yell and I somehow made out their arms pointing out the proper direction. I could then sort of make out the orange buoys that lined the course and managed to catch the bottom third of the pack.

I got on my bike without further incident and started to make up some lost ground. As cycling is my strongest discipline, I not only started to catch up to the first two-thirds of my wave, but I also started to pass racers who started in the first wave.

Unfortunately for me, many of the people that I was passing seemed not to be aware of the rules of triathlon. Many riders were cruising along in the left lane at a leisurely pace, oblivious to other riders around them. At times, if you wanted to pass, you had no choice but to do so on their right. This proved to be a fatal mistake.

During a nice downhill section of the bike course, I was steadily accelerating and was soon speeding along in excess of 40 mph. I had a clean path in between two riders and decided to quickly try to pass them. The rider on my left however, decided to drift into my lane and this exact moment and his rear wheel touched my front wheel. I was tucked into the aero position and barely had time to yell “ON YOUR RIGHT” when he hit my wheel and sent me down.

Now I don’t know if you ever had the experience of sliding along the asphalt at 42 mph, but if you do, you will be sliding along it long enough to contemplate a few things. Apparently human flesh does not grip the ground too well and was not meant to be used as a brake pad. My first thought while sliding was “hmm, I am ok so far I am just sliding”. My second thought was “Well, at least my bike is flying down the road ahead of me, I hope it doesn’t get too messed up”. My third thought was realizing that I was angling off the road and about to hit the dirt.

I then started to roll and twist in the air as the dirt and rocks did not make such a smooth sliding surface. From past mountain biking experiences, I’ve learn to just relax and let the roll happen. Tensing up and fighting to stop is a sure way to pull a muscle or break something. After rolling around for a while, I finally came to a rest on my hands and knees.

At this point I heard someone say, “Go ahead I got him” and this person came over to help me up. I stood up while he retrieved my bike and asked if I was all right. Aside from missing lot’s of flesh over a good portion of my body and a very nasty laceration on my left hand, I was in perfect shape. My bike looked reasonably good as well.

This Samaritan then said “Well you have a choice, you can gut it out or pack it in.” I was still game for the race, but quickly realized that my front wheel was in no condition to continue. With my left hand dripping blood and lacking dexterity, I was in no condition to effect repairs.
During this time, some alerted the West Point staff of a rider down and a military truck soon came to pick me up. I looked fairly battle worn and would have looked like a wounded soldier being transported to a M.A.S.H. unit if not for wearing skin tight and colorful Triathlon racing clothes instead of fatigues.

For me the worst part about crashing wasn’t the fact that I was injured or couldn’t finish the race, but the fact that my young children would have to see me all banged up. Fortunately, an ambulance soon joined the truck and somewhat cleaned and bandaged me.

My daughter had a very nervous look when she first saw me. However, I managed to laugh it off and she relaxed as soon as she saw I was laughing about it. My son still wanted to finish the race with me, so I ducked under the tape holding back the spectators near the finish line and ran across it with my son. As my numbers were scrapped off my body, it was a good thing he was body marked or else I may not have been able to report my number.

A trip to the Military base hospital soon followed, in order to get myself stitched and cleaned up. The emergency room staff remarked that I had the worst case of road rash they have ever seen. They couldn’t help but laugh as they knew I would be in some discomfit the moment the cleansing began. I didn’t mind as I was joking all along about my injuries as well.
My hand was stitched and my multitudes of abrasions were scrubbed clean. At one point I remarked to the Meddac (army lingo for medic) that it appears there was some dirt embedded in my arm that he missed. Turns out it wasn’t dirt, but was burnt off hair follicles.

Having been cleaned up, stitched up, Tetanus shot filled and bandaged like a mummy, I was then sent home with some pain killers. I let my wife drive.

The next several days were spent trying to recover from my injuries, having my wonderful wife change my bandages twice daily and somehow dealing with work from home. I tried to take it easy and enjoy the satisfying warmth that comes from taking painkillers. The accident really didn’t hit me until the following weekend when I had to miss some events I was looking forward to participating in. However, I was healing pretty good and would have no long lasting damage.

Am I worried with this Orange alert thing. Absolutely not. I have complete confidence in the ability of the numberous security agents stationed around the city that I feel totally at ease and comfortable. Take today for instance.

I went to the NYSC pool at the Crowne Plaza hotel located at 49th and Broadway. I was dutifully stopped prior to entering the lobby, asked where I was going and only allowed to proceed after I showed my high tech- laminated paper photo NYSC ID card. That little plastic embossed piece of paper, was enough to prove that my overstuffed gym bag did not contain anything harmful to anyone. And besides, no terrorist in his right mind would join a healthclub. I mean why would they when they are about to enter into the pearly gates through Holy Suicide.

Also, the security to go to Prudential Securities (to deposit funds) is equally impressive. I mean, what terrorist would know that the secret code to passing through with just a glance is muttering the words “Prudential Cashier” to the lobby security dude. After all, what terrorist is going to deposit money just before unleashing deadly nerve agents or biological weapon.

In any event, I am quite positive if a chemical or biological attack does happen, wrapping myself up tightly in plastic wrap and duct tape will protect me from breathing, thereby killing me, before the hazordous germ or chemical agent has a chance to do its wretched deed. Plus while dressed like that, I can probably have the safest sex, followed by the most intense orgasm. They do say that asphyxiation leads to very powerful climaxes.