Heightened Sense of Awareness

Lately I’ve been experiencing a heightened sense of awareness. Where formerly I couldn’t see things that were patently obvious, I now see them clearly. It is like a dense fog has been lifted and I can clearly see my surroundings in a very long time.

With this new sense of awareness comes an infinitely increased sense of the passage of time. I can see and feel each second of my life passing by in a clarity that I have never experienced. I guess this is a curse and a blessing. It scares the crap out of me that I can sense the passing of time. On the other hand it makes me want to live in each moment with ferocity I have never felt before.

I also have this incredible feeling of déjà vu. So many things that I am thinking or writing gives me such a sense of having been done before. In a way I suppose it has. The world has had billions of people on it and I am sure there are others who have gone through what I am going through. So many people I am sure, that my feelings are almost cliché.

As I think of my newfound consciousness, I think of how it relates to my feelings of being an athlete. It is no secret to my friends and family that I have been questioning my commitment to pursuing Ironman again this year. Qualifying for Kona is still a goal I want to achieve, its just that I feel there are now other things I need to do.

If you want to see me go insane, lock me in a room and play the song “Cats in the Cradle” over and over again. I’ve hated that song with all my being ever since I can remember first hearing it. Sure it serves as a wake up call to those that might otherwise let the things that are important pass them by. However, it fills me with dread to the greatest extreme that I may be doing the same with my children. Yes I know this is irrational as I am most assuredly not doing so. However, the feelings it give me are no less real even though they are far from the reality.

If I do go again for Ironman this summer, it will have to be with the complete and total support of my family. I don’t know that I can do it alone this year as the fire for it is no longer inside me. The appropriate time and place for me to train and qualify for Kona will appear when it’s ready. Maybe now, maybe later.