Deep, Deep Malaise

I am suffering from a deep, deep malaise.  I feel like I am in the abyss and no amount of oxygen will be enough for me to swim to the top.  I can’t seem to get my head above water.  It is a deep funk that I am in.  A perverse Funky Town from which no one can return.After the Vermont 100 miler I had high hopes for the rest of the year.  I didn’t get very far though.  I did the NYC Triathlon in pretty good form and then had two successive weekends where I did a 14 mile run with a 1 mile swim mixed in, but since that time I’ve been completely dead.  I am not sure what happened.  One weekend I was running and then the next day I could not get my legs to turn over at all.  It is a major struggle to make it one loop around Prospect Park.  I’ve already decided to bail out of the SOS Triathlon on September 13 as I don’t see any point in making the trip for a major endurance event if I can’t even run 4 miles.

I need something to jump start me again.  I am seriously getting out of shape and overweight.  I can’t control what I am eating.  I’ve been drinking too much and not giving a rat’s ass if I don’t get in a workout.  I don’t like how I feel, but mentally I am not ready to start moving.

This summer has been one of my worst.  Nothing bad has happened, but nothing good or exciting happened either.  It was just one work day after another and for the first time in years I didn’t take a summer vacation.  I think that is part of my problem.  I haven’t been on vacation in a while and I think that has definitely taken a toll on my mental psyche.  I am bored, uninspired and not excited about anything that I am doing.  Usually running will help with my mood, but something is physically wrong with me.  I just can’t get my legs to turnover.  Yes, I have a couple of nagging injuries in my left groin/hip flexor and right hamstring, but nothing so irritating that would account for why I just can’t get my legs to move.

Yeah, yeah, I did go to Vermont to run the 100 miler, but I didn’t finish it and I wound up returning to work a day earlier than I planned.  Perhaps if I finished the race and took the extra day off things would have been different mentally for me.  Maybe I would have felt like I accomplished something and returned to work relaxed.  However, that still can’t explain why I am not able to run right now.

I don’t even know what type of doctor I should go to.  My problem feels physical, but perhaps it is mental.  I just don’t know.  I am not in the mood, nor can I afford, to see a dozen specialists to find out what is wrong with me.  Maybe electroshock therapy.  That sort of sounds kind of cool.

Something has got to give.  I can’t keep thinking this way.  It’s not healthy.  I seek inspiration.  My problems are small compared to others, but we each have to overcome our own obstacles.  What might be easy for one person may be difficult for another.  Perhaps this is a start.  I haven’t felt like writing in a while, but perhaps posting this here is the beginning of the end of the funk.  Or perhaps it is just the end of the beginning.  Only time will tell.  I have 2 months to get ready for the NYC Marathon and the JFK 50 Miler.  I can’t skip them this year.  This will be my 5 year in a row doing the NYC Marathon.  I can’t let something like a little malaise stop me.