I made it to the pool this morning. It’s the first time since January 26. It seems like a lifetime ago and my apparent lack of fitness in the water echoed that fact. I quavered about getting up this morning to go, but in the end I am glad I did. I have much to make up for to get ready for IMLP.

As usual, I got to the pool by way of bicycle. The ride was part of my scheduled workouts for the day. It was probably less than 15 miles, but I was carrying a lot of weight. I propose that the extra effort to move such mass, made up for the lack of distance. The bike fully loaded with my gear must weigh 60 pounds.

The sky was already illuminated by an early dawn brightness by the time I started riding over the Manhattan Bridge. The last time I did this ride it was pitch dark and gave the bridges bike path a lonely and desolate feel. With some light outside it was quite pleasant as you could see the entire city waking up.

My day was pretty much non-stop from the moment my feet first touched my pedals. After my bike and swim, I had a meeting at 8:30am. My day stretched on continuously answering email, telephone and attending meetings. It was past 5:30pm by the time I looked up.

I had another appointment over on the Westside of Manhattan starting at 6:15pm, so I quickly changed into my bike clothes and freed my bike from a sign post along 56th Street. When I first started locking my bike outside and leaving it for 9 hours unwatched I the street, I was worried that it might be stolen. However after looking at many of the other bikes locked up around Manhattan, I realized that my bike was one of the biggest pieces of shit chained to a pole. I could probably just lean it against a fire hydrant and find it untouched at the end of the day; no one would want this thing.

My appointed ended very quickly which capped off the day. I contemplated either riding home or taking it easy and riding the subway home. In the end, I figured I am getting off to a good start, so I rewarded myself by relaxing on the train.

I am going to take the fact that I woke up this morning and got out of bed a good sign. Not in the sense that I am alive for another day, but in the sense that I got up to do a workout. I wasn’t sure I would be able to rouse myself for another weekday, early morning workout for a while and the fact I was able to do so today is reassuring.

Granted today’s workout just consisted of an easy 4 mile run. I did it in Prospect Park and my reward for getting outside was the spectacular view of the sun rising over Prospect Heights and reflecting over the lake. While I didn’t physically find anything during the run like I did yesterday, mentally I was very happy to find that I was enjoying the run. It was a welcome change of pace to the nervous feelings I’ve been experiencing over the past several weeks while training.

My severe curtailment in training has put a damper on my once springtime plans. I was hoping to be run a sub 3 hour marathon at the NJ Shore Marathon, but it is obvious I am not going to be ready for that. In truth, this isn’t bothering me in the least bit, since I no longer have to worry about the suffering I would have to face to peak for this race and the physical discomfit I would have attempting such a distance as such speeds. My coach advises me to still do the marathon. He states “Two months and a marathon as a goal will help keep your running “honest.”

I asked my other coach, that being my 5 year old son, if I should do Ironman this summer. Once again he said yes, even if it means me being away sometimes in the morning and not being around on Saturdays until noon. Both my children feel this way so far and as long as they do I will continue.

The true test towards my getting back in action will come tomorrow morning. I am scheduled to swim. This always takes a bit of effort as I have a lot of preparation required to fit in this workout. I’ll have to pack everything I need for a day at the office, commute about 12 miles by bike to the pool, swim and then change and ride my bike to the office. All this at approximately 5am through the streets of Manhattan. This hasn’t bothered me in the slightest in the past, but recently, it was the last thing I wanted to do especially after working 10 hour days. If I swim tomorrow, I’ll know I am coming back.

I did what I call the High Points run in Prospect Park today. It consists of running up to the highest points in the park. Running this route definitely takes you off the beaten trail. It is very peaceful and scenic and offers quite a bit of solitude. I think my favorite part of it today was hearing the wind howl when I reached the highest point. The trees groan from the branches rubbing together, which sometimes fills you with the fear of having a large branch come crashing down on your head. This is not so unlikely, as the area is filled with wind felled trees and limbs.

Yesterday, I took my children hiking in this same area. It was at least 15 degrees cooler and far windier. They didn’t seem to mind the conditions and proceeded to hike and explore for three hours. The hiking made up somewhat for my very short Saturday ride.

Some other high points today included finding a five dollar bill, a skateboard and a soccer ball. I found the soccer ball during my run at the highest point in the park. The first time I saw it, I decided to leave it where it was in case its owner was lurking nearby. However, when I returned to the spot 30 minutes later and the ball was sitting forlornly in the same corner I decided that it had been abandoned. I didn’t feel like deviating from my planned route, so I ran about 2.5 miles while carrying it instead of heading directly home.

Later in the day I took my son skateboarding with his newly acquired board. He asked me to help him clean it up and wants to paint it so that it looks like flames. I guess I have a project cut out for me after my workouts next weekend.

I found someone’s wallet on the subway last night. Actually, I should say the thing found me. I had reached my stop (homeward bound fortunately) and women pointed out that I had dropped something as I started to get up. When I looked down I saw a wallet and a cellphone power cord. I decided to take them with me, since it only would have gone to someone else who may not contemplate returning it.

The wallet is black and made of fake leather, folds in 3 sections and is secured together by a Velcro strip. It doesn’t contain much money and only had some basic information about the person. A NY State Identification card; specifically not a driver’s license so I know he doesn’t drive. Some medical insurance cards, which have a different home address and club cards to Pathmark and Best Buy. There is also some change and a couple of keys in a zipper compartment.

This person is definitely a smoker. I can smell old cigarette smoke wafting off of it. The most interesting item in the wallet is a one dollar bill with red print directing people to go to www.WheresGeorge.com. Unfortunately, at this exact moment the site happens to be down for maintenance. It won’t be back up for two more hours, but hopefully my second Ambien of the night will kick in beforehand.

Judging from the picture on the ID card, this person has lived a relatively hard life. He is only one year older than me, almost to the day, but looks to be around 50. He smokes, is overweight and has an access-a-ride card that lets him use the service when it is extremely hot or cold. I guess he would have been using it today, had the card not been expired.

Earlier this evening I was struggling against a problem that I’ve had several times in my life, after I’ve gained a large amount of fitness. I reach a certain point and then start slipping off the edge. It begins with a slow fall followed by an eventual acceleration into weakness. I think the apparent state of this guys life is enough to make sure I don’t fall down that path.

I can’t find a telephone number for him, but the handy advertisements that ask if you want to search on this person may find him. I tried one and for $7.95 I can find out all about him and possibly get his telephone number. If I do, should I be entitled to a $7.95 reimbursement from his wallet? I think there is just enough to cover that amount.

Maybe I should cover the cost of the search myself and throw in some bonus money into this guy’s wallet. That may make up for my thoughts where if the wallet contained a large some of money, I may not have contemplated returning it.

Lately I’ve been experiencing a heightened sense of awareness. Where formerly I couldn’t see things that were patently obvious, I now see them clearly. It is like a dense fog has been lifted and I can clearly see my surroundings in a very long time.

With this new sense of awareness comes an infinitely increased sense of the passage of time. I can see and feel each second of my life passing by in a clarity that I have never experienced. I guess this is a curse and a blessing. It scares the crap out of me that I can sense the passing of time. On the other hand it makes me want to live in each moment with ferocity I have never felt before.

I also have this incredible feeling of déjà vu. So many things that I am thinking or writing gives me such a sense of having been done before. In a way I suppose it has. The world has had billions of people on it and I am sure there are others who have gone through what I am going through. So many people I am sure, that my feelings are almost cliché.

As I think of my newfound consciousness, I think of how it relates to my feelings of being an athlete. It is no secret to my friends and family that I have been questioning my commitment to pursuing Ironman again this year. Qualifying for Kona is still a goal I want to achieve, its just that I feel there are now other things I need to do.

If you want to see me go insane, lock me in a room and play the song “Cats in the Cradle” over and over again. I’ve hated that song with all my being ever since I can remember first hearing it. Sure it serves as a wake up call to those that might otherwise let the things that are important pass them by. However, it fills me with dread to the greatest extreme that I may be doing the same with my children. Yes I know this is irrational as I am most assuredly not doing so. However, the feelings it give me are no less real even though they are far from the reality.

If I do go again for Ironman this summer, it will have to be with the complete and total support of my family. I don’t know that I can do it alone this year as the fire for it is no longer inside me. The appropriate time and place for me to train and qualify for Kona will appear when it’s ready. Maybe now, maybe later.

How many times might have I told myself that while training for the Ironman? How many times have I told myself that when it came to waking up in order to get to my job? Is anything worth having in life, worth suffering for? If I don’t suffer throughout my training or work through the difficult times at work, would it be possible to complete the race or to raise a happy family in a nice home? I am hoping in a few years I can answer this question with a resounding yes.

Suffering is tough work. It is draining and can be all consuming. I am suffering now, but so far I have been able to manage it. I think god intended these moments so that you know you are alive. If you neither felt intense pleasure or pain would your life just be mundane? Maybe it is Darwin’s “survival of the fittest”; a modern day version of weeding out the weak. Am I strong enough to adapt to my environment and make the changes necessary for survival?

I have pointed out to others that I know for sure I am alive during the hours I am suffering in an Ironman event. If you quit during an Ironman is that not some form of suicide? I have done 3 Ironman events so far and while I have done them, not once did I give serious consideration to stopping until I finished. Perhaps I just need to look at my life as one long Ironman event that I will cherish dearly once I cross the finish line.

We undergo all kinds of stress in our lives due to various causes. Sometimes it is just the mental kind where outside forces are making demands upon you. You must deliver and the stress of accomplishing the tasks can be very taxing. You also have physical stress that is encountered during training, racing, or fleeing from lions and tigers and bears Oh My!

Mental stress does also affect you physically and vice versa. How you handle it is often the key to success or failure. When failure is not an option, the levels of stress you reach can be quite staggering.

Of the two kinds of stress I am discussing, I find the mental kind to be much more debilitating. I think it breaks your body down just as assuredly as running all out for a marathon. It is the difference between a chronic physical breakdown and an acute physical breakdown. Both will break you down completely if you don’t alleviate the cause at some point. Unless you are running for your life, you can stop the physical stress at any time you want. Mental stress I find is much harder to control.

I’ve been undergoing a large amount of mental stress. It is making me sick to my stomach at times and has put a serious damper on my training. This stress is in the form of a monkey that is sitting on my back. I tried to take him off a couple of days ago, whereupon he started screaming and attacking me. He wanted to get back on my back and didn’t want to be set free. I need to find a way to take him off and make sure he sings and dances like an Organ Grinders monkey. Then perhaps I can move on with my life and I’ll be inspired to start training properly again.

I was greeted this morning with a crystalline clear sky. The sun was just below the horizon and I could make out a crescent shape of a nearby planet. I’ve never seen a planetary star appear so close and clear. My guess was Venus. I checked the daily almanac when I sat down to breakfast, which confirmed that my guess was correct.

I returned home in time to wake my daughter up and I told her what I saw this morning. She became immediately interested and pulled out her children’s encyclopedia to look up the solar system. We looked over her book and discussed the solar system over breakfast.

I wish I could say that my mind was as clear as the sky. It was really beautiful outside and the star was magnificent. I even pointed it out to a slow moving group of runners. One of them thanked me for doing so.

My mind however was swirling with negative thoughts, causing me to have a nervous filled stomach and an anxiety filled mind. I was completely disassociating from my run. I think disassociation while working out is a useful tool that let’s our minds relax a bit while our bodies are busy doing the work. I think its disassociation combined with the endorphin release that causes the feeling called runners high. However, in my case my runners high felt more like a bad LSD trip.

Several days ago I was discussing with my coach various things about my training and the subject of disassociation while running. I told him that generally speaking I rarely disassociate. He responded by saying that the best athletes in the world are always in touch with their body and rarely lose themselves to disassociation. I decided that this is what I needed to do this morning.

It took me about 3 miles to figure this out and by that time I was close to the point where I could turn in for home. I was almost defeated and started considering it when I made this realization. With a bit of annoyance at myself I continued on and tried to pick up my pace. I picked out a runner ahead of me and concentrated on catching her. Next I decided to try to up my pace. This worked for a while, but I started to get tired.

I was running a 3 mile loop and during the first go around, I decided to avoid an ice and snow covered path that I like to do since it gives me some extra hill climbing. I didn’t want to take a chance on slipping or twisting an ankle. On the second loop I decided to just go for it. There is nothing like have to concentrate on your footfalls on uneven terrain to keep you from disassociating. I figured maintaining mental health was more important at this point that worrying about a twisted ankle. I ran it without incident and then made it home a short time later.

This weekend wasn’t the most productive for training. I’ve been very stressed out about a looming deadline for a project at work and I couldn’t escape from it during Saturday’s bike ride. I was riding with Todd and I eventually had to tell him I couldn’t ride on any longer. I was too stressed out and overcome with worry about the project and life in general.

I had mentioned to Todd earlier in the week, that I had been having a tough time as of late, so he suggested a couple of hours of bike riding followed by pancakes at his house. We didn’t quite get the couple of hours, but he did manage to get me to his house for the pancakes, which were delicious. I should point out that his lovely wife E cooked them. I don’t think Todd knows how to cook much more than stories about how he will beat me.

I felt very much the persona of Edvard Munch’s oil painting “The Scream”; a tortured soul lost in a non-existent existential world. My brain was literally screaming out for help and the medicine for that was a nice plate of pancakes.

Fully fed and calmed down, I rode back to my house where I promptly passed out on the ottoman of my couch. I was lying on it while watching my son watch TV and the next thing I knew I was asleep. My wife took the kids out for a few hours, while I took a short nap and worked on my project. I also shot my coach an email telling him I only rode 30 out of a planned 70 miles and explained why I couldn’t go on. I also told him to call me so I could ask his advice.

I spoke to him on Sunday morning, the day of the blizzard. His advice was very helpful and allowed me to focus clearly on what needed to be done and how I should proceed. It is great to have resources in the form of people you can count on. I think a coach for various parts of your life are essential at one time or another. I am lucky enough to have a coach that can advise me on my Triathlon goals and business goals as well.

His further advice that morning was for me to stay inside and do my run on the treadmill. I didn’t relish going 15 miles. He agreed that was a bit extreme and said to try for at least 10.

During my run I had the company of my children. I put the movie Robots on Pay Per View and I ran during the entire time. When the movie ended, I completed 9 miles and felt that was good enough. It was time for breakfast (pancakes again) and time to get ready to go sledding with the kids.

When I got to the park, I saw my friend Larry running the park loop in the snow. He called me to go with him, but I had just gotten off of my treadmill. I wished I was out there with him, but it needed to be a few hours earlier. It was sledding time.

My kids and I had a blast. We went on some really big hills and had fun burying each other in snow. I figured the trekking up and down the hill more than made up for my lost running mileage. We stayed out for close to 4 hours and it was a lot of fun.

Unfortunately when I got home I still had to shovel my sidewalk. It was a bit laborious and sapped the remainder of strength out of me. Soon after I ate dinner I was tired and ready to nod off. It wasn’t an altogether unpleasant feeling. I slept through the night last night without the aid of a sleeping pill in I don’t know how many years.

Email exchange between ST and Beast

Hey Todd -

Not sure I understand how to go back without looking back, but I understand about having to go back to Hades in order to get out of it. Thanks for sending it.

I am finally making a new blog entry which is why I am up so late. I am in a hotel in Melville Long Island and I have to leave here by 6:30-7am. The week is starting to pass and soon enough it will be years ago. I know at some point I will look back and say “What was so bad”, because all I will remember was that during this time I felt such anguish and grief. Hopefully
at that time, my demons will have passed and I will have long forgotten what it is to feel such pain.

I probably won’t be getting in many workouts this week. You should use that to your advantage to get an edge on me this summer. I am feeling somewhat better.

Beast
—– Original Message —–
From: “Todd
To: “Charles
Sent: Monday, February 13, 2006 10:20 PM
Subject: Hey Charles

I thought you might like to read this passage from a recent interview with Michel Butor (a great writer):

“We have to change our past in order to change our future. We must turn back and throw light on it to see it in a new way. What we need is archeology around and in ourselves.

There is a strong link between inspiration and childhood. When Proust wanted to experience a new childhood and become a writer, he had to go back to his first childhood. Things forgotten wait in the library of your mind.

It is a question of having to look back ward and yet not go backward at the same time. To free Euridyce from Hades, Orpheus was forbidden to look back at her and when he did, he lost her. Almost the same legend can be found in the Bible. It is the story of Lot’s wife, who, when fleeing Sodom, looked back and was transformed into a pillar of salt. We have to be able to look forward, but to bring back Euridyce you have to go back to Hades. It was a very powerful memory, which was at the origin of the journey to hell. We always have to descend into hell in order to got out of it. It’s also an open cycle.”

- An Interview with Michel Butor