I am on the road to recovery. I ran 4 miles today at a comfortable pace. My HR did spike once or twice when I started to climb the Prospect Park hill, but other than that I felt great. Run time: 36:33, Distance: 4, HR: 143/163, Calories: 483, 3.4M loop time: 30:00

My mind has recovered from the stress of the race and I am beginning to think clearly again. I would say my mind and body are in sync once again and I am ready to start focusing. I am sure I will have some bumps in the road as I make various changes to my routine, but I think I will be able to handle them. The mental aspect of recovery is definitely the toughest.

On Saturday I did an easy 26 mile ride in Prospect Park. I felt cold, even though it was in the mid 50’s when I went outside. My body is down to 152 pounds from a pre IMAZ weight of 157. The lack of body fat and spending a week in the desert has made me very susceptible to the cold. The cold felt good though and helped to fight off my springtime blahs. Here are the ride stats: Time: 1:32:00, Distance: 26, HR: 131/152, PWR: 235/456, PI: 29/59, LRB: 50/50, Calories: 1048

Afterwards, I took my son back to Prospect Park for soccer practice. I felt like a good dad, doing his fatherly duties. My son ran almost the entire mile to the practice, insisting on racing me. Of course he would dart out ahead of me and declare a race, while I was still walking behind him. His look of joy warmed my heart. During the night he kept waking up with complaints of leg pain. I suppose his little legs are not yet used to the rigors of running for distance. Hopefully though, this will not prove to be a problem and I can look forward to years of running and cycling with him.

I am off now to ride bikes with the family. My daughter is already on a two wheeler and I am getting my son started on one. He is two weeks shy of five, but he seems to be ready. I guess I will get some extra running in today.

Reader Note: The following is an email conversation (thread) between Beast and ST. It is in reverse chronological order.

——————–

Let’s see… When was that marathon PR of yours?? 10 or 11 years ago, when you were a much younger and a not so delusional athlete?

Let’s take some recent statistics… The following is your recent Brooklyn Half Marathon result. A race that you rested for and prepared for with Race Day Boost and whatever PEDs you may have taken.

ST M42 BROOKLYN NY 353 316 45 1:34:14 1:33:31 7:08

Here is my Men’s Half Marathon result one week previously, on a tougher course (Central Park), on a full training week, 85 mile bike the day before, and a 4 mile race prior to the men’s half marathon:

BEAST M39 BROOKLYN NY 160 160 74 1:34:45 1:34:41 7:13

You beat me by one measly minute when you were trying to run your fastest and I was taking an easy 13.1 mile stroll in the park.

It does not take a rocket scientist to see who the better runner is.

I also need to remind you, that it is you who always lobs the first volley on the superior athlete argument. However, I am an accommodating individual and will allow you this foible. I know you need it to keep yourself inspired and motivated. I have no need to rub salt in the defeated’s wounds (which you soon be). The agony of their own defeat is pleasure enough for me.

I am,

BEAST

—– Original Message —–
From: ST
To: BEAST
Sent: Saturday, April 16, 2005 5:38 PM
Subject: Math Lesson

Actually Miss Beast, I’m 5-6 minutes faster than you in the swim and nearly 20 minutes faster in the Run. If the tables were turned you’d be renting billborads in Time’s Square to announce it to the world. I quietly assert my superiority, with class and humility.

Biking, you got me by 12 minutes. Proportionally 5 minutes in the swim is like 30 minutes in the bike and 20 minutes in the run. Assuming the bike norm is 6 hours and the run norm is 4.

I win 2 events to your 1, sad yet?

Your stand alone marathon time beats mine only by 10 seconds or something…where did you do it? Out in Jersey in some flat as a pancake uncrowded course. Oooh I’m scared. My best half-marathon time: 1:25 in Prospect Park (4 loops). Yours? I win yet again.

I can’t wait for Placid so that I can put all this “who’s better at IM?” to bed, forever. Please Charles eat right, take yr vitamins and try to keep your delicate girly body healthy so that I can run past you at Placid and not slow down to see how your feeling as you shuffle home. Remember: please stay healthy so Super Todd can have a tasty Beast snack in the mountains.

See you in the park.

The (Far) Superior Athlete,
ST

—–Original Message—–
From: BEAST
Sent: Apr 16, 2005 12:45 PM
To: ST
Subject: Re: Today’s Ride

S.D.T (D for Delusional) -

My god man 165 pounds!!!! That is Athena class, which is sincerely how I think you should enter yourself with your girlie running form. Biking for that matter as well.

You will never catch me on the bike. Never. It is a fact, get over it. As
for the run; let me just remind you of which athlete has the faster marathon
PR. That athlete would be me, posted only last year when I was not nearly
in as good of shape as I am now.

Yes, your lone IM marathon posting may have been faster than my two IM
marathons. However, it is simply a matter of me getting my nutrition right.
I will be working out this problem in race conditions while you tool around
Prospect Park endlessly.

For now I concede you the swim. Take your extra 3-4 minutes and have fun.
I will save that time in transition alone.

Work up a good appetite my friend. You will need your calories to have any
chance of catching me this year.

Beast

—– Original Message —–
From: ST
To: BEAST
Sent: Saturday, April 16, 2005 12:09 PM
Subject: Re: Today’s Ride

Hey Beast:

I had a feeling you were in deep recovery mode so I rode on. I did 60 miles and then went over to R and A to have the creeking sound checked out. They greased up the seatpost and tightened everything, so far so good. I’m right at 172lbs, which is good for me this early in the season.

Getting down to 165lbs will be a breeze in the coming weeks with these 16 (+) hour weeks, up to 20 (+) come May and June, whew! I am so going to kick your ass at IMLP, especially on the bike (swim and run I could kick your ass right now). Thank you for understanding.

Tomorrow is a brick day for me. 4 hour ride, 1 hour run or 2 hour ride 2 hour run. I’ll see how the bike feels tomorrow. I’ll be out early to avoid all the yahoos, who seem to take over the park after 9:30 AM. Idiots! Letting their little children swerve into the bikes, people crossing the road without even looking and then shouting at you when you shout to warn them. Idiots!

Yes sushi. Tomorrow 4PM, yummy. Call when you’re close and we’ll come
running down.

I’ll probably see you in the park before then.

ST

—–Original Message—–
From: BEAST
Sent: Apr 16, 2005 8:17 AM
To: ST
Subject: Today’s Ride

Hey ST -

I am glad you went ahead. If I could have caught you, I would have told you to ride on. Obviously I am still recovering although my body feels fine.

As I begin my next phase of training, I am going to try to keep better track of my nutrition. I will keep a log of everything I eat. It will be difficult and often times just a guess. I like my weight right now and I want to control it.

I am out for an easy 3-4M run tomorrow. I’ll run opposite your direction so maybe we will pass a couple of times.

I’ll pick you up for Sushi around 4ish?

Beast

I am on my way home. I am without a doubt suffering from post event depression. The excitement of the previous days was quickly fading like the sun setting in the Arizona Desert. I felt the urge to head home as swiftly as I could.

As I walked around the awards ceremony on Sunday afternoon, all signs of the event were fading away. Souvenir Ironman flags were taken, equipment picked up, packed and shipped out and athletes were spreading out to their homes.

I felt trapped since I had booked my flight for Monday morning instead of heading out late Sunday night. Chris my roommate for the event said his goodbyes around 8pm and I was left alone to ponder my thoughts. The accumulated fatigue from the event, excitement leading up to the event and sudden aloneness caused me a minor case of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I was tired, alone and I missed my children very much. I longed for their warmth and laughter. Lounging by the pool earlier in the day and watching children the same age as mine frolic in the water made my stomach and heart ache.

I recognized the causes of the feelings in my body. I was recovering. My body was tired and it was giving me signs to slow down and seek comfort. However, understanding what was causing them did not make them feel any less real. It is all a part of training and competing and I will have to take the good with the bad.

I sit here now ensconced in my airline seat. I am feeling a little better now that I am making forward progress towards home. Putting some food in my stomach has improved my mood and my body is already starting to recover. I am beginning to feel the inklings to resume my training and tackle the challenges that await me.

I have time to analyze my IMAZ performance against my IMLP performance. While my time wasn’t much improved, percentage wise I made good progress.

Here are the comparisons:

Overall: 282 IMAZ vs. 460 IMLP
Age Group: 66/348 IMAZ vs. 109/344 IMLP

I plan to crush these numbers come this year’s IMLP.

I finished. It was definitely not a Kona qualifier. I am very pleased with my effort though. I stayed within my limits and did the race as best as I could. The wind was brutal. Twenty mph sustained winds with gusts of up to 40+. It hit you from every direction. The bridge crossings over the Salt River were particularly nasty, especially later in the day on the run.

Other than the brutality of the wind it is very difficult for me to recollect all that happened during the 11 hours, 21 minutes and 20 seconds it took me to do the race (a personal record by 6:41). For the most part, during the race of this duration, my mind shuts down to reserve its energy for the task at hand. The following is my recollection of the race to the best of my ability.

Race morning

Chris and I, head to the transition areas to load up our bikes and transition bags with what we will need throughout the day. I remember struggling in the darkness to see anything. I was wearing my sunglasses; since I didn’t want to leave my regular prescription glasses behind in case they got lost. I borrowed someone’s pump to inflate my tires, but it was too dark to see the pressure gauge. I finally find a flashlight and fill my tires to what I think is appropriate pressure. I sheer off the top part of the presta valve removing the pump. I spend the next 20 minutes obsessing whether or not I should change the tube or if I hear any leaks. I ask several people to check it with their ears for me. In the end I leave it, basing my decision on past experience of not suffering any ill effects when having done that before.

I check on my transition bags. I look in them a few dozen times and finally tell myself out loud that I checked on them already and that I should leave them alone. A fellow athlete laughs and agrees.

I decide that I have to clear my bowels for the fourth time since waking up. I head back to the hotel and do indeed crap for the fourth time. Amazingly, I feel as clean and empty as I ever have. I am very glad I went back to the hotel to do my business and didn’t just pass the feeling off as nerves.

I brought my wetsuit back to the hotel with me. I put it on and head to the swim start. As I head to the swim jump in point, I realize that I am still wearing my sunglasses. I race back to my transition bag and make sure to put them in the Swim to Bike bag.

The Swim

People start jumping in approximately 20 minutes before the start. I refuse to jump in, preferring to conserve my body heat and energy for as long as possible. As I am about to go in, I discover my goggles won’t seal on my face. The suntan lotion was allowing air to slip in. I wash my face off in the river water, seal the goggles and jump in with 10 minutes remaining before the race. I line up towards the front.

The race starts. I swim for what seems like forever before the turn around. I make my only mistake of the day. The turn was a 120 degree angle and I cut it at 90 degrees with a bunch of other swimmers. I lose at least 3 minutes. Other than that, the swim wasn’t bad. I kept a steady rhythm. I was occasionally pushed, kicked, grabbed and elbowed. Once someone started to grab and swim on my legs. A good swift kick from me discouraged him of continuing to do so further. I drafted as much as I could, but it was difficult, because visibility was less than two feet. When I did catch someone, I tickled their toes relentlessly.

I finish. I remember not being thrilled with my swim time and surprised at how slow it was. The wetsuit strippers, strip off my wetsuit with gusto.

The Bike

I make it out of Transition quickly and without problems. I catch myself drafting in the first half mile and make the appropriate adjustment.

There were a lot of turns.

I finally head out of town and the wind pushes me so that I easily sustain 24-25 mph. I pee while riding on the bike. I pass someone while peeing on the bike.

I turn around and head back towards town. The wind blows in your face with the constant pressure of tectonic plates rubbing against each other. I grind it out maintaining anywhere between 15mph – 20 mph,

I finish the first loop and get the pleasure of doing it two more times. I feel good on the bike. I stuck to my plan and didn’t push too hard. I drank very salty water, plain water and Perpeteum.

I finish the bike averaging 19.6mph. I am pleased considering the conditions. I wanted to hold a 20mph average, but the gods conspired against those plans. I run to the transition tent.

I whack the volunteer helping me in the transition tent in the head with my helmet when I take it off. He is good natured about it and took care of my stuff. I take a bathroom break before I head out of transition. I run into Chris by the toilet. I run out ahead of him and he smokes past me a few seconds later.

The Run

It was sunny, windy and dusty. My fuel belt has 4 flasks of Perpeteum which are warm, sticky and icky. The weight of the belt feels very heavy. I dump them all at the two mile mark. I knew I was not going to drink them. I had some hammer gel with me, and two flasks in run special needs, so I knew I would be ok.

It was windy. It was dusty. The wind wanted to blow off my hat. My lungs hurt from the dust.

The course went on packed dirt trails along a canal, large rock formations and cacti. The sound of my feet crushing along the gravel was very soothing. I was on autopilot. I was enjoying the scenery.

I wanted to quit. I didn’t want to continue. I didn’t want to go to Kona and I didn’t want to do Lake Placid. I had enough. I was hating life. I stopped looking at my mile marker splits. I was resolved to the fact that Kona was not in this race and I just wanted to survive.

I pass some cheerleaders from ASU. I pretty girl in a cropped shirt, hula skirt, navel ring cheers the athletes. A big smile crosses my face.

I passed a 2 year old in a stroller happily clapping as athletes pass. I smile once again.
During a particularly windy and dusty section I start to laugh at the sheer brutality of the race. I was loving every second of it. I plan ahead for the Badwater 135.

I struggled along and I saw mile twenty. I kept going. I saw mile 23; only a 5K race remaining. I ran faster. My heart rate came back up to around 80%. I saw mile 25. I started to sprint. A third of a mile to the finish I get a piercing stitch in my side. Visions of Julie Moss dance through my head. Someone in my age group catches me and I was helpless to do anything. I ran through the pain, it was only a few hundred yards to the finish.

The Finish

I cross the tape. I get my medal, and T-shirt. A very pretty and caring “Catcher” walks me towards the massage tables and food. She makes sure I am ok. She takes her time to stay with me. I appear to be ok so she heads back to the finish. I didn’t want her to leave.

I find Chris by the massage tables. We both sign up. I know I won’t make it. I can already feel my collapse coming on. I wonder off to try to get some food in me. I can’t. I sit down. An athlete asks me if I am ok. I told him that I didn’t know. I didn’t want to go to the medal tent. I was afraid of a repeat visit to the hospital emergency room. (this happened after Lake Placid).

Some volunteers come over. I agree to go to the Medical tent. I couldn’t drink, eat or sit up. They put me on a gurney and take me in.

A pretty nurse/doctor hooks me up to an IV. Fortunately, I was an easy stick. I start to feel better. I eat some chips and drink some soda.

The IV makes me cold. I start shivering uncontrollably. They cover me up with 4 blankets. The first IV finishes. I still don’t feel well. They give me another. I start to fall asleep.

The second IV finishes dripping into me and they want me to get up. I want to stay and sleep. They asked me how I felt and I told them tired. They pointed out that I just did an Ironman and I should feel tired. I acquiesce and sit up. So far so good. I stand. Still good. I feel much better, just cold. I thank everyone for the care and assistance walk quickly back to my hotel.

The Hotel

Chris is relaxing. I am struggling to stave off a relapse. We talk about the race. I battle nausea. We nap. I get up to puke and feel better and nap. At 11:15 I feel refreshed and energized. We head back out to the finish. We cheer the last few athletes across the finish line. The atmosphere is electric. However, I can’t help but wonder how lonely it must have been for them over those last few miles. I think that it sure takes a lot of guts to finish a 17 hour Ironman and that they certainly got their money’s worth.

The Official Result

It is Race Day Eve and I have nothing left to do except fall asleep. I just took my sleeping pill so I should be nodding off at any moment. I will have to make this a quick entry; otherwise I will fall asleep with the laptop resting on my legs.

Today was basically a blur. Chris and I went for the practice swim in the morning. At the Gatorade check-in booth, the place where they hold your possessions while you do your swim, I received number 992 for my stuff. I am taking this as a good sign, as my race number is also 992. While I write this down, I realized I should have played this as a daily number in the daily lottery.

After the swim, we took an easy 2.5+ run. It was very relaxing and easy. My legs felt great. Earlier in the day I stopped at the Active Release booth, where they were offering free treatments. The person who worked on me took his time a really seemed to loosen my up.

We went back to the hotel after the run to eat a quick breakfast and to grab our bikes. We covered the run course on the bikes and took time out to take some pictures. Then it was time to check our bikes into Transition.

We cruised the village once again on the way out and I scored several more water bottles. I have no idea where I will put all of the bottles I collected when I get home.

The rest of the day went by quickly. We changed clothes, went to the race briefing and then had dinner. The rest of the evening was spent preparing my nutrition for the race. I am glad I did it this evening, as it took me the better part of an hour.

All is ready now and I am calm and ready to go.

Native American Pueblo

Along the Run Course

Beast and Chris

Today was my first full day at IMAZ and I am all settled in. I started the day by riding my bike over the run course; at least as much of it as I could. Many sections of it are on packed dirt trails which I did not want to ride on. The trail heads were also hard to find as the course hasn’t been well marked yet.

Along one section of the course, I passed some nice cactuses (cacti?). It was the perfect opportunity to take my first picture. Other than that, the course is not particularly scenic. Some large hills can be seen in the distances, but the course does not go through them. The course is also completely devoid of hills and shade. The sun will be a major factor.

After riding as much of the run course as I could, I swapped my bike for my wetsuit and headed to the traditional Gatorade swim. The Ironman Wetsuit people were also out and I spoke to the sales rep about the possibility of swapping out my long john style for a sleeved model. He said I can get a $75 trade-in for my old suit. That was hardly worth it.

The water however was not bad. I figure it was around 65 degrees. I have definitely been in colder water and did not mind it at all. The surface was completely flat and the water as brown as flood waters. Visibility was only about two feet.

I decided to swim across the lake a couple of times. Each way took me 5 minutes to cross. On my second return to the start, I noticed that everyone else was swimming along the course. I could see why the logical thing for me to do was to swim across the lake – It was right there. When else was I going to get a chance to swim across it?

Having discovered where people were really swimming, I then started to follow the swim course. As you swim east on the river towards the rising sun, you pass under two bridges. Each time I came upon the shadow of a bridge, I got the sudden sensation that I was about to swim into something, which caused me to stop and look around. On race day, I will know to expect these two shadows. I continued to swim for 30 minutes and then got out of the water.

For the next hour or so, I tried to take in the environment at Ironman Village. I ran into a couple of local NYC Triathletes that I know. We took a picture by the lake and then drifted off to do our own things. The mood in the Village is decidedly subdued. The village and the town lack the race day energy that I experienced in Lake Placid. I am going to attribute that to people’s desire to stay out of the sun.

The Endless Pool booth was the last thing that you pass when you leave the village. I took my obligatory swim in it and had myself video taped. An endless pool would be a good nice to have, if I happened to have an extra 20-30 thousand dollars burning a hole in my pocket. For now I will stick with Masters swimming at Asphalt Green.

I then went back to my hotel to change and relax a bit. Shortly after I arrived, my roommate Chris showed up. We hooked up on a Triathlon message board, when he responded to a posting I placed about sharing my room. He is a 45-49 Age Grouper, previously Kona qualified and has two children the same ages as mine. We are also in the same line of work. We settled into a rhythm so smooth and easily it was like we are old friends.

After he settled in, we went to grab some lunch and headed back to Ironman Village to get him checked in. I took this time to grab some more swag. It is not possible to have enough water bottles at these events. I also managed to get another IM goody bag. It contains a good mix of mildly useful stuff and total crap. The brochures for various future local races and time shares went right into the trash.

After registration we went back to the hotel to drop off the swag and grab the car to check out the Bike Course. We were delayed for about 20 minutes since the valet dudes lost the keys to my car. No big deal as it saved me a buck since I didn’t tip them.

The course has two sections. The first is the local town section with many 90 and 180 degree turns. This part is approximately 9 miles. It will be very hard not to draft in this section and so many turns exists that riders will definitely get bunched up.

The second part heads outside of town. It is out and back 12 miles each way. It has several 90 degree turns, but not as sharp. The longest straight drag of the bike course without a turn is about 4 miles. All of this section out of town is sadly lacking in scenery. On the way back towards town we began to notice a lot of debris on the road, especially in turns. I am sure that some riders will go down if the take the turn too hard when on top of the loose gravel.

Before heading back to the hotel, we stopped at a local bike shop for CO2 charges (none were at the IM Village yet) and went to the grocery store for provisions. I was hungry by this point and ate a box of cereal on the way back to the hotel. We were also drinking water all day long as you were thirsty all of the time.

After we dropped off our groceries, Chris went for a run and I wanted to go get my bike checked out. I noticed that my headset appeared to be a bit loose. I am glad I went as it turns out that when the bike was built the person did a terrible job putting in the compression fitting. It was all bent and cracked. InsideOutSports fixed it without a problem and my bike is primed and ready to go. I took it for another late afternoon spin. This race will be fast if you have good bike handling skills. Against the headwinds it was no problem riding over 20mph.

Chris and I ended the day by going to the Athlete welcome dinner. They severed pasta, with fried chicken cutlets and your choice of marinara or Alfredo sauce. It was very good, but I would have preferred plain grilled chicken. They showed various videos about the race among others. They also had someone speak about Pat Tillman, the former Arizona Cardinal who dropped his ticket to the NFL to fight in the war on Iraq.

I have heard a lot about Pat Tillman ever since his unfortunate death. His bravery, honor, compassion and commitment to god and country are without question second to none. It is hard to comprehend the sacrifice he made when he felt the call to duty. His good looks, supreme athleticism, good natured-ness makes him seem too good to be true, like a fictional hero you read about in a comic book. In fact, every time I think of him, I can’t help but think about the character Sergeant William Schumann, played by Woody Harrelson in the movie “Wag the Dog”.

After the dinner we went back to the hotel, stretched and both took sleeping pills. The antepenultimate night before the race is your main opportunity to get your sleep in and we wanted to take advantage of the opportunity.

From: “Beast”
To: “ST”
Subject: Re: Hey Beast
Date: Wed, 6 Apr 2005 23:30:33 -0400

ST -

Thank you for your words. They meant a lot to me. I needed the reassurance that I am a good father while still pursuing my own hopes and dreams. I was so crushed this morning right through most of the flight. I just wanted to go back home. I was handling the kids ok; it was my father’s comments that put me over the top.

Not to worry though since the race environment is starting to filter into my mind. Worries of home are starting to take second stage and I am beginning the process of getting ready mentally in earnest. The temperature is warm, in the 80′s but very brutal when the sun is out. My calves started to get burned just from walking around Ironman Village. I am glad I tried to heat acclimate before I left.

I finally went for a run around 5pm this evening. I figured I would take it easy, so I didn’t bring any water with me. Bad mistake. As soon as I got about 1 mile into it, I was dying of thirst. The afternoon warmth and sun is still very strong. Hydrating with proper amounts of electrolytes will be the key to this race.

InsideOutSports took very good care of my bike. It was the right decision to have them handle the unpacking and setup. I am also glad I came in today. Most of the athletes it appears haven’t arrived yet. I encountered no lines for anything, including IOS or at registration. Tomorrow is the last day to register, so I imagine it will be much more crowded.

I checked out the lake. It looks like one giant skid stain. It has the same color as the water from the pictures of the flooded communities in New Jersey. I don’t care though, I can swim through anything.

I will take some pictures tomorrow, provided I remember to take my camera out of the hotel room.

Beast

p.s. Be careful not to burn yourself out on the Bear trying to best me. The Bear can be a beast like me.

—– Original Message —–
From: “ST” <>
To: “Beast”
Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2005 9:59 PM
Subject: Hey Beast

Beast:

I just wanted to say I read your recent blogs. In the year that I’ve known you I’ve witnessed how very much you love your family not only in your words but in your deeds. Charles, you’re a good man. Deep down I believe you know that about yourself, otherwise you’d never be able to do what you do and do it so very well. Sure you juggle a lot, but you are living a life full of love, grace, wisdom, and compassion, and that’s really rare in this day and age. Don’t doubt that about yourself, ever. You’re searching and discovering great things about yourself and the world around you and that is truely as noble as it gets. I believe in you Charles, I really do. Sleep well tonight knowing that your friend Super Todd has a very deep and abiding respect for you.

ST

PS I’m still gonna kick your ass up and down Bear Mountain this summer.

As I cruise at 20,000 feet on my way to Ironman Arizona, I find myself thinking about various Ironman dreams. Do we all have them? Does the guy who sat next to me on the train with the Ironman watch dream of one day pushing his limits to see how far, how long and how hard he can go? Is he content in simply fantasizing about it while time on his watch slips by, while his body remains soft?

For me doing the Ironman is about seeing how hard I can push myself. Can I push myself hard enough to become part of the elite few who make it to Hawaii each year? Can I overcome the fear of not succeeding and the pain or sacrifices I make while I seek my own gratification? I will soon find out, but until I do I will also dream about other ways I can push my body.

As I fly over upper Hudson Bay and see the short distance that separates Sandy Hook from Coney Island, I already start to dream about swimming across what seems to be a short distance. I know others are as like minded as me. It is good to know that communities of people exist for just about every endeavor one might want to try. Many challenges exist in life. Some are worth taking on, others are not. I pray for the wisdom to know which ones I should attempt and the wisdom to know when I should stop.

My mind right now is blank and I have no conception of the race I am about to attempt. So much of training and preparation is mental. It is in fact the hardest part of the body to get ready. I struggle daily to clear my mind of negative influences so I can enjoy my Ironman dreams guilt free. I hope that when I am old and in my waning years I will look back in joy of my physical accomplishments without any guilt or regrets. I do not wish to sacrifice my dreams and desires and think “if I’d only done that”.

I am finally on my way to IMAZ. It is 8:26am and I am sitting at the America West gate waiting the final 1.5 hours until my flight leaves. My father dropped me off at the airport and I had a skycap handle my bike box and one very large suitcase. I have no idea how I will manage once I get to Phoenix since I don’t think I can manage the suitcase, bike box and carry on bag by myself. I followed the skycap until my bike box was taken to a special doorway for loading onto the flight. I am still very concerned that it will make it on the flight and arrive in one piece.

This morning was particularly painful to leave my house. My daughter was visibly upset that I was leaving. She woke up with a very sad face and cried all morning. My son, who was relatively stoic about me leaving also started to break down in tears when I was about to leave. Seeing both my children cry just as I am walking out the door is about the most crushing thing to my soul and psyche that can happen. I was already miserable about traveling by myself, knowing that I would miss my kids immensely.

On the way to the airport I mentioned to my father how the children were crying. He proceeded to tell me how perhaps I shouldn’t be pursuing this racing stuff and start spending time with my children. How at this time in my kids life, I should be spending time with them and not wasting time doing things for my own gratification. Lastly, not being satisfied with the gapping wounds he was tearing through my mind and heart, he finishes his speech off by saying “Sophia asked grandma if she thinks her daddy loves her, why do you think she did that?”

This was such an unfortunate time for my father to be telling me such things; especially since I happened to be driving. I was about ready at this point to drive off a cliff and had we lived in the mountains, surely we would have been dead right now. Laying this guilt trip on me when I have already spent the last several weeks in a very stressful state is a situation that I would reserve for only my very best of enemies.